10 Steps to overcome bitterness and resentment as a military spouse

I overcame resentment and bitterness as a military spouse, but I honestly didn’t start supportive or understanding. As a 25-year military spouse, I began my journey as a mil-wife filled with resentment towards the military and my military man. My military marriage started rough with three moves in one year and then three deployments in rapid succession. 

Sadly, sitting gathered around a table with other military spouses, I raised my voice to share my woes of how my man and his duty to the country had ruined my life. I couldn’t shake the anger I felt toward the military for controlling our life, taking my man away, and messing with my career potential. It’s sad how we can pull others into our pathetic pit, isn’t it? 

I’m not at all expecting you to suck it up or pretend everything is easy but I do want you to know that this bitterness and negativity is hurting YOU and your relationship with your man.

The Bible clarifies that bitterness is undesirable in Ephesians 4:31, which states, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you.” Yet, somehow, as military spouses, we can forget this applies to resentment toward our military spouse or the military in general.  Bitterness is unforgiveness and anger piled on top of one another. In the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35), the servant who has been forgiven a huge debt by his master refuses to forgive a fellow servant a small debt. This unforgiving servant is thrown into prison because he is so unmerciful. Yet, the one who suffers is the one who chooses to refuse to forgive.  He is delivered to prison jailers who are called in many versions of the Bible “torturers.” The description of torturers makes sense when you consider the unforgiveness tortures the person who refuses to forgive. We don’t punish someone else as much as we punish ourselves when we stay stuck in bitterness and unforgiveness.  So, as a military spouse, you have to overcome the bitterness and resentment – to free yourself but also your military man.

This is how I overcame bitterness and resentment as a military spouse…

1.     Recognize that emotions are real, but they are not always true. 

Emotions can lie to us and make us see things much worse than they truly are. Recognize this. When you are reeling with negative emotions, ask yourself what is true. Our emotions can deceive us.

Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

2.     Have some interests outside of your relationship with your military member.

You need others to fill your needs for connection and intimacy. This speaks to the importance of cultivating community (for more information see blog post).

3.     Spend some of the extra $ you are making from your military member’s Cost of Living Allowance (COLA) , special pay, or Per Diem on help around the home to ease your burden.

Invest in help with one of the following: yardwork, childcare, or housekeeping – whatever helps you.

4.     Prioritize self-care. 

Do something life-giving for you. I highly recommend counseling to help you process your feelings and emotions. This might be a book group, a hobby, regular exercise, a Bible study, time with friends, or a simple outing without the kids.

5.     Don’t let negative feelings fester. Replace negative feelings with gratitude.

Maybe you are having a terrible day and feel buried underneath a mountain of laundry. Can you thank God for the children He gave you whose little socks you GET to wash? Focus on truth and thoughts that will lift you up and not tear you down.

2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

6.     Prioritize time with your spouse.

Can you have early morning coffee or breakfast with your spouse when they are in town and have to work late? During some of my husband’s command years, we exercised together each morning while the kids slept.

7.     Manage expectations.

Your spouse works for the military. Unexpected things will come up and many events will be out of your control. When your spouse says he will be home for dinner, but something comes up from his superior, don’t add to the disappointment by getting mad at him. He wants to be home even though he can’t. Expect less from your spouse and be pleasantly surprised when he/she does make it home.

8.     Change your perspective.

Look for the silver lining. Why might God have allowed you to be stationed where you are right now? Who can you serve and bless with your friendship or smile? It isn’t just your military member who is called with a purpose. If you are married to a military man, you too have a purpose. Your purpose right now involves all the moving and uncertainty of military life. 

2 Corinthians 4:17-18, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

9.     Surrender your grudge to God.

Bitterness hurts us worse than it hurts our spouse. Resentment builds a wall between you and your spouse and will lead to your isolation.  Ask God to help you give up the bitterness – it is hurting your relationship with your spouse and with God.

Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.”

10.  Realize this is hard for your spouse too.

With all the TDYs, deployments and long hours, your military member is missing things too. They are missing the baby’s first steps or teaching the kids to ride a bike. Yes, they sometimes have fun as part of their military duties, but they also sacrifice much. Assume the BEST of your spouse, not the worst.

I was a military spouse for 25 years and now blog to help other military families embrace the lifestyle and their calling. To learn more about me read here. 

I'm releasing a book for military spouses called Another Move, God? 30 Encouragements for Embracing Your Life as a Military Wife.  Read more about the book and order your copy today.

What other suggestions do you have for overcoming resentment?