What to Expect During Reintegration after Deployment

What to expect during reintegration after deployment

How can you know what to expect during reintegration after a deployment for your military member?

One of the hardest parts about reintegration from deployment is that you want and even expect it to be perfect and dreamy. But that is not reality. You and your military member have been operating separate and different lives.  When my husband returned from deployment the initial reunion was great but then we struggled to learn to live in the same space since we’d been living life apart for so long. Reintegration always seemed the hardest part of deployments. You are elated to have your spouse home but so frustrated that you aren’t living at peace. I’ve written before about managing expectations when you are married to a military member. The key to a successful reintegration is also managing expectations. Here are some things to expect for the military spouse and also for the military member:

What to expect as a military spouse when reintegrating after deployment

Reintegration after Deployment and Some Things for the Military Spouse to Expect:

·      Realize your military member has been operating to keep him/herself safe in a “war zone” and has been functioning without a spouse and any children you may have.  Just as it is an adjustment when your spouse goes on deployment, it will also be an adjustment when they come home.  Allow your spouse to reenter the family routine slowly.  It can be helpful to allow your spouse to observe and slowly ease back into a role as a parent or spouse.  Don’t expect your spouse to jump back into family life.

·      They will likely be jet-lagged from getting used to a different time zone and delays that are often involved in traveling overseas.  Your military member will likely be tired with less energy than normal.  It will minimize conflict if you expect your member to be tired for a week or more and have their days and nights mixed up.

·      Emotionally, your military member may have a hard time adjusting back to family.  Your military member may struggle initially to relate to family.  You might not be able to understand what your spouse went through during deployment and vice versa. Your service member may have experienced things that are hard to talk about or relate to you.  Give your military spouse time to adjust and be patient.

·      After the excitement of the homecoming, you and your spouse may experience some feelings of anger or even resentment. You both may think you had it harder while you and your spouse were apart.  That is normal – you cannot compare apples to oranges so don’t entertain this comparison in your mind or words. Expect there to be some bumps as you adjust to doing life as a couple again.  Counseling may be a good idea for you personally or for you as a couple.  Check out this post where I explained all of the free options (some anonymous) that are available to the military and their family.

·      Expect that you and your spouse have changed and adapted during the time apart. Graciously allow one another to learn the new normal.

·      Ask your military member how they want to be welcomed home.  Some members are overwhelmed by a big homecoming event or party, others enjoy it.  Make sure to discuss this with the service member before their arrival home.

·      Anticipate some uncomfortableness with resuming intimacy after time apart. Be patient with one another. It may be helpful to follow the communication strategies suggested at Military OneSource.

What to expect as the military member when reintegrating after deployment

Expectation Considerations for the Military Member when Readjusted to Family After Deployment:

·      Don’t jump back into parenting, especially where discipline is concerned. You’ve likely been with other Soldiers, Airmen, Marines, or Seamen.  You cannot treat your kids the same way you can your comrades in war.  Take it easy on the kids at first.  Don’t barge in as the heavy-weight parent.

·      Expect that your spouse who stayed home may have coped well and gotten into a routine while you were gone. Don’t be hurt that he or she coped so well.  You’ll both have to allow each other back into your lives.  Try to avoid making important family decisions for several weeks to allow everyone to readjust.

·      You may experience a culture shock. Your home and family routine may feel foreign to you. Give yourself grace and time as you readjust to not being “down range.”

·      Be honest about what you need. Gently communicate with your spouse and avoid just trying to please them if it will send you “over the edge.”

·      Be prepared for some awkwardness in your intimacy with your spouse and kids.

What to expect the first week your spouse is home from deployment

Reintegration after Deployment – What to Expect the First Week at Home:

·      You will have the emotions of excitement and anxiety. Try not to plan too much that week. The military member needs to catch up on sleep and unpack their deployment luggage. To prepare for this week, several weeks before your military member gets home, send them some questions about the expectations of their time back home for the first week and what things he/she would like to do that week. Ask your military member what you can do to help them adjust that first week.

·      Be prepared for some awkwardness in your intimacy with your spouse. Hold off on discussing any big issues as you readjust to one another.  Don’t expect to pick up where you left off as a couple but take some time to “get in the groove again” emotionally and physically.

·      Your military member may have trouble sleeping for a while.  He or she is used to different work shifts and time zones. 

What to expect the first few months your spouse is home from deployment

Reintegration after Deployment – What to Expect the First Six Weeks to Two Months at Home:

·      After the first week of adjustment, this period may result in more conflict as everyone struggles to adjust to life as a family. Anticipate disagreeing about finances, parenting, and decision-making authority.

·      The military member may still not be comfortable talking about what happened on deployment.  The spouse who stayed home needs to be patient.

·      By the end of this stage, begin to redefine the new normal with new rules, routines, and expectations.

Trust me! It will get better! You and your spouse need to pray for patience and understanding. You can be built better than you were before with a little work and time.

·      If you are still struggling, counseling is a great option. Check out these options available to service members and their families.  Honestly, counseling is something I feel should be part of the military family life. Our family managed to stay in tack for 25 years while serving in the armed forces, but we periodically needed counseling, individually, as a couple, and as a family.  Military families’ lives are hard; don’t go it alone.  Consider support groups on your military installation also.

I was a military spouse for 25 years and now blog to help other military families embrace the lifestyle and their calling. To learn more about me read here. 

I'm releasing a book for military spouses called Another Move, God? 30 Encouragements for Embracing Your Life as a Military Wife. Read more about the book and order your copy today.